Superman Returns utterly fails dog lovers

Superman Returns isn’t awful as a superhero movie, but it gets an F for its treatment of dogs.

Superman Returns, a 2006 film based on DC Comics content starring Brandon Routh in the title role, isn’t terrible as a superhero movie, falling somewhere in the middle of Superman movies in general, and one of the better DC movies made in the past two decades.

But as a dog movie, it’s an utter failure.

Here at Dog O’Day we have three main criteria for what makes something a dog movie:

• No. 1 – It must be about a dog or other canid (such as foxes or wolves).
• No. 2 – A dog must have a significant impact on the plot.
• No. 3 – A dog must have a significant amount of screen time.

If it meets at least one of those criteria, it counts in our view.

Superman Returns narrowly makes the cut due to Parker Posey’s (Best in Show) character’s lapdog, an unnamed Pomeranian, appearing in many scenes.

In one of the film’s most jarring moments, this Pom eats its sibling after being stranded in an abandoned mansion.

According to Humane Hollywood, the bones and fur in this scene were fake, and the bone was coated in baby food. But still, the sheer gruesomeness of this scene was entirely unnecessary and far too violent.

At the film’s conclusion, Lex Luthor (Kevin Spacey) and another character are stranded on an inhospitable island, and it’s implied they will eat the remaining Pom for sustenance.

But even Clark Kent isn’t immune to being a jerk around dogs, though it was likely an honest mistake. When Ma Kent’s yellow Lab (likely Krypto the Superdog, though not mentioned by name) brings Clark a well-loved baseball to play fetch with, his super-strength launches it about a mile, causing the confused pupper to give up in frustration.

Still, aside from these flaws, Brandon Routh plays Clark Kent as a Barry Allen/Peter Parker level klutz, which works extremely well, certainly better than Routh’s rich stalkery Ray Palmer/The Atom from the Arrowverse’s Arrow and Legends of Tomorrow. 

He’s probably the best Superman on film (though we haven’t seen Smallville yet, so this is a partial list), and Kevin Spacey’s Lex is appropriately creepy, deranged, and inhuman, though some of this could be due to the real-life revelations since.

Kate Bosworth is definitely the best Lois Lane, those she needs a hairbrush and can’t spell “catastrophic.” (But all writers and journalists have words they can’t spell, and hygiene isn’t always our strong suit.)

This is also the only movie to be part of the Arrowverse, which has its own Superman in Tyler Hoechlin on Supergirl, which follows Clark’s cousin Kara Danvers (Melissa Benoist).

Superman Returns is dreadfully slow, though – it’s a full five minutes before any characters appear onscreen, and it clocks in at two and a half hours, with essentially three action sequences – a plane being saved, a car careening through downtown, and launching an island into space.

If it were a novel, it would be fantastic, due to a colossal amount of subtext, but as a movie, for these same reasons, it flops, just like most DC films (excepting Wonder Woman).

For more superheroic content within the FanSided Network, see Bam Smack Pow, where Wesley also writes, and Culturess, where Kimberley also writes.